Thursday, January 19, 2012

He's So Far in the Closet, He's in Narnia*

After my ex left me, I knew I had to get out there and go on some dates.  I wasn't looking for my next serious relationship, but rather for a distraction and a reminder that there were other guys out there.  I use the term "guys" loosely.

With the help of my good friend, I created a profile on an online dating site and the adventures began.  My first date was with a short red-headed guy (we'll call him "Gingerman").  He asked if I wanted to get drinks one Saturday night and I said sure.  He then asked me where we should go.  Impressed by his manly-take charge kind of attitude, I chose a lounge that was roughly half way between us and that I had been to before and liked. 

I got to the lounge and he went to the wrong bar.  Luckily it was just next door, so he arrived shortly after I did.  I was pretty nervous as this was my first first-date in over four years.  I felt slightly more at ease though when I saw his red locks and his funny argyle vest.  He asked me what I wanted to drink  and I said I was debating between some choices.  In an effort to help me decide, he asked "have you ever had a real sex on the beach?"  That's when I knew something was up with Gingerman. 

He ordered a colorful martini and I ordered something a bit more respectable for myself and he then said to me: "I like your jacket, is it from Banana Republic?"  My response: "Umm, yes, I bought it there like, two years ago."  How and why he remembered the women's inventory from Banana from two years ago puzzled me greatly. 

While he spoke continuously about how smart he was, how we went to the greatest schools, how he's a lawyer at a huge firm and makes a ton of money (yet stays at hostels and strangers' apartments when he travels abroad), etc etc, I realized it was possible that my charming Gingerman was probably more into dudes than he was into me. 

I'd like to say that that was a one time occurrence and that a similar situation did not arise on another date.  But, it did.

The following week I went out with a guy who looked cute and seemed funny.  We'll call this guy Toucan Sam, for reasons I will get to.  We met at a wine bar near my apartment - one that he had picked (hooray!). We sat down and as soon as he spoke, I thought "oh no, not again."  As if his manuerisms weren't indication enough that he would've preferred to be sipping vino with a fellow male rather than with me, his stories confirmed my suspicions.

I asked him where in the city he lived and he stated that he loves living in the west village with his actress roommate. I thought to myself, "obviously." Then he told me about some of his favorite activites, one of which was salsa dancing on the Highline every Thursday.  Then, and this is the real kicker folks, he told me about how he dresses up every Halloween (he was 28 btw) and that thankfully his mother still sews his Halloween costumes for him.  I guess my look of severe shock led him to believe I wanted him to go on.  So, he told me that the previous Halloween, his mom had sewn him a Toucan Sam costume.  My response, "So you went out as Toucan Sam?  The fruit loops bird?"  TS: "Yeah, my mom did such a good job on the costume!"

I quickly met the waitress' gaze and signaled for the check.  I told him that I had some finished painted pottery to go pick up before the paint-your-own pottery place closed (this was actually true...thank God I had procrastinated picking up the pottery).  When the check came, he did not appear to be reaching for his wallet.  Being new to the whole dating thing and desperate to get out of there, I reached for my wallet.  The rest was kind of a blur, but basically I ended up paying for him as he put down a minimal amount and I put down a 20.  The whole date lasted 45 minutes.  And, sadly I will never get those 45 minutes back.

*The title of this post is a quote from someone, but I'm not sure who.  It's been passed along from my roommate, who heard it from her boyfriend.  That's all I got.

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