Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Squash Player

After things ended with the sort of boyfriend, I went back on the online dating site so that I could go out on dates and hopefully spend less time thinking about how sad I was.  The squash player didn't really help with this.

His profile said he was 35 years old, lived in the city and under occupation it said "squash player/stock market junkie" and he looked super cute in his pictures.  I figured he was in finance or something and played squash in his spare time.  Turns out it was the opposite - he teaches children how to play squash somewhere in New Jersey. 

He chose a random pub by his apartment and I met him there one evening a few weeks ago.  I noticed two things right off the bat: (1) he wore a gold band on his right hand finger and (2) he was gay.

The first thing I said to him upon seeing the ring was "Oh, are you married?"  He said "no" and explained that he has been wearing his dad's wedding band since he was 14 years old.  I naturally wondered if his father had passed away and was that why he wore his wedding band.  Nope.  He said his dad took the ring off one day when he was 14, so he took it from the counter and has been wearing it since.  He further explained that he's not used to having to explain why he wears it becuase he just got out of a 7 year relationship with a girl 8 years his junior. I was really thrown for a loop with all this information and the fact that he stated it all in a super flamboyant manner.

I had so many questions for him, but it was ridiculously loud at the pub we were in.  So, he suggested we go next door to a Brasserie that opened recently.  We went to that bar and it was much more quiet as we were the only customers there.  My date spent most of the evening chatting up the male bartender, but I got a few questions in here and there. I found out that he had started seeing the "girlfriend" of 7 years when he was 28 and she was 20.  I found it weird that a 28 year old man would date a 20 year old girl.  I found it even more weird that during the course of their 7 year relationship, they never lived together.  Honestly, I found everything weird about him.

At one point, he asked me for advice on dating women since he'd been out of the scene for so long.  In my head, I thought, let's be real here, you don't like women.  But, it was not my place to tell him that if he hadn't realized it already.  So, instead I said "well, you could start by taking off the wedding band."  To this, he BLEW UP at me! Out of nowhere he started going off on me saying that he already explained why he wears it and his ex never had a problem with it.  I tried to calm him down and explain to him that he asked me for advice and that I was simply indicating how it came off as a first impression.  He told me that I was so judgmental for not understanding about the gold wedding band.  Then I said, "why don't you wear it on a chain as a neckalace and tuck it into your shirt?"  His response: "Won't that make me look gay?"
I had enough at that point.  And, apparently, so had he because he was still huffing and puffing over the fact that I suggested he not wear the wedding band on dates.  I asked him if he was ok, and he threw his hands up in the air and grunted or something.  Luckily he decided to just pay the bill at that point and I was free of his craziness. 

More than anything, I was annoyed that despite it being extrememly clear that he was gay (his manuerisms, his flirting with the bartender, his never having lived with his "girlfriend" of 7 years, etc...) he decided it was ok to waste my time by asking me out.  There are plenty of other loonies I could've gone out with who at least would've potentially put a ring on my finger some day.

Friday, March 8, 2013

The Sort of Boyfriend

It might be hard for me to fully explain the story of the Sort of Boyfriend because I think I'm still trying to understand what exactly happened.  Here goes:

I went out with this guy for the first time in mid-December.  He picked a bar up by me and we met up for brunch on a Sunday.  When he got there he advised me that he would only be drinking ginger ale because he went out to dinner the night before with his friends and overstuffed himself.  I completely understood. 

We had an ok time and at the end of it, I thought ehh, I could go out with him again or not.  He texted me a bit over the next few days just to say hi, which I like and then he asked me out again for the following week.  We went out to dinner to a Mexican place by me which he picked.  When we got there I realized he hadn't made a reservation...I figured it was just because he was a guy and guys forget to do things like make reservations for dinner on a Friday night.  While we waited for a table, we sat at the bar and had a margarita.  I took my coat and purse off and looked for a hook on which to hang them.  He took my purse from the stool and hung it on a hook for me.  I thought this simple gesture was really sweet and showed that he was attentive. 

Dinner was so much fun and after we went to a wine bar near by.  We were out until 2 am!  That is major for me.  At the end of the night, he tried to get me to come back to his place, but I said no because I was beginning to like him and thought there was real potential.  So, he hailed me a cab and kissed me goodnight. 

The next week was great...he kept in touch and we had great banter between us.  He asked me out again for after New Year's and we then went out a few more times.  Things were going so well - he always made it known that he wanted to see me, he talked to me in between dates, he was sweet and funny...I was so happy!

Three weeks into dating, we went to dinner and he invited me to go to his friend's birthday party the following weekend.  I knew he was pretty serious at that point.  I was thrilled that he asked me and was so excited to go. 

That Saturday night, I went over to his apartment first and we ordered dinner and then left for the party.  All his friends were so nice and more importantly, they were all married.  I figured since he's 32 and all his friends are married, clearly he wants to be married too.  (I believe this is what they call foreshadowing).  Anyway, my guy kept an eye on me throughout the night just to make sure I was doing ok mingling with his friends when we were split up (which I thought was very sweet and thoughtful). 

After that night, his interest did not wane.  He suggested we cook dinners together, he continued to take me out, we took a cooking class together, we were spending whole weekends together.  He even referred to me as his girlfriend.  I cannot even begin to put into words how happy I was.  I thought it was all too good to be true.  But, my friends assured me that this is how it's supposed to be when you meet a great guy.  I thought it was amzing that things were progressing so well. 

Another perk was that the photographer, upon seeing a picture of me and my guy on facebook, texted me pretending that he never fell off the face of the earth and that things were still peachy between us.  He asked what was new and how I was doing...I replied with one word answers.  Then he said that we should get together sometime.  I said "I'm seeing someone, so I don't think so."  It felt great!

The weekend before Valentine's Day, I was at his apartment, as per usual.  However, I began to feel like he wanted his space and wanted me out of there.  Of course this did not feel nice, but I understood that it was natural for him to miss his man-time.  He had been single for most of his life and I could see how it was a drastic change to go from single to all of a sudden there's a girl in his space every weekend.  So, I went home early that Sunday and backed off.  By Monday things were back to normal.  He picked a place for Valentine's Day, but again did not make a reservation.  So, I found that my favorite Mexican place had an available reservation and booked that for us. 

V-Day dinner was so nice and romatic...he showed up with roses and I had made him chocolate covered oreos, which I knew he liked.  After dinner, we went back to his apartment and watched tv and got ready for work the next morning. 

The three-day weekend after V-Day, I noticed that he wasn't texting me and that when I would text him asking how his weekend was he replied with short, snippy comments.  I began to worry. 

Still not hearing from him by Tuesday, I called him to ask why he was acting so cold.  He told me that he's never had a relationship last more than five months because everytime he gets to this point he realizes he doesn't want "the headache of a relationship" know, like, "having to talk about each other's days."  I was trying to understand this all.  I pointed out to him that it was he who wanted me to meet his friends, he who wanted to cook dinners together, he who wanted to spend weekends together, he who wanted to take the cooking class, etc etc.  His response?  "I know, i'm sorry."

I asked him what he wanted...he said he didn't know.  I asked him if he wanted to see other people.  He said no.  I then said that this wasn't fair to me and that he had to tell me what he wanted.  He had nothing more to say than "I don't know."  I then pointed out that he is 32 years old, that all his friends are married and that his sister has two kids and that it might be time he figures out what he wants.  I also said that I'm 29 and I know what I want - and that this flakiness was not it.  I wasn't going to be his girlfriend when he wanted one and then disappear when he was feeling too overwhelmed with the whole "headache of a relationship."  He said he understood and that was the last I've spoken to him.

If he knew that he had a history of flaking out after a few months, then he should have never led me on to think this would continue to progress.  He literally went from hot to cold in a matter of days.  I spent the next week replaying everything in my head and  re-reading all of our text messages..trying to make some sense out of everything.  It was impossible.  Instead, I just got over him a little more each day...went back on the dating site and started all over again. 

I went on a first date again the following week.  It was an adventure.  Stay tuned.

The Nice Chatty Guy

This guy was number two in the triology of my winter dating partners.  He "flirted" with me on the online dating site we were both on and then I took the reins and sent him a message.  In his profile he wrote that he couldn't stand constant emailing back and forth and thought it best to just meet for a drink.  Agreeing with this, I wrote to him "the only thing worse than emailing back and forth is texting back and forth."  To which he responded "why are you giving your number to so many of these guys?"  Touche.

I thought he was funny, so I gave him my number and told him he had 5 text messages to ask me out for a drink.  He did and we had some silly banter along the way.  The date was really nice...he picked the place and everything. One drink turned into one bottle and I found that we had a lot to talk about.  We discovered a distant connection between us when he told me all about his ex (he had just gotten out of a relationship, which is never a good thing to find out when dating) and then asked me about mine.  I told him about how our relationship had really started to fall apart after his sister passed from cancer.  Turns out he knew who I was talking about because he was dating the best friend of my ex's cousin at that time.  After we realized that he had probably already met each other a few years ago, we just kind of sat there and stared at each other.  We ended up talking about some of our memories from that horrific time and the next thing I knew, we were both crying becuase of how said it was.

On that note, we dried our eyes, got the check and he got a cab for me.  He tried to kiss me, but I was in such a weird mood from the heavy conversation we just had, that I instinctively backed away. 

When I got home that night, I texted my ex's cousin to see what he had to say about this fellow.  He gave a pretty positive review.  So, I texted the date and thanked him again and told him that I had a nice night.  From then on, we chatted over text message for the next two weeks.  And, when I say we chatted, I mean, we discussed everything under the sun.  This guy loved to talk.  I knew it probably wasn't going to go anywhere, because it sounded like he wasn't completely over his ex...but, he was nice and I enjoyed talking with him, so I went with it.  We went out again for the second time two weeks later.  It was another fun time, but I felt like there was less of a connection.  It just naturally fizzled out after that.  Plus, I was also dating guy number three (see next post) and I was more interested to see where it could go with him.

Mr. Chatty was great...he was sweet, funny, smart, a gentleman and just all around a great guy.  It sucks that there wasn't more of a connection, but maybe there will be another like him someday.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Photographer, The Chatty Nice Guy and the Boyfriend (Kind of)

Back in November/December, I met three great guys, each of whom I dated and each story having a different outcome.  I was so happy that the dating gods were finally realizing that I had had enough negative experiences and were sending some quality men my way!

Part I of this trilogy is the Photographer:

We went out on a Saturday night and hit it off instantly.  He was a 34 year old photographer/creative director for an Ad Agency in NYC.  I liked that he wasn't the typical lawyer/finance guy that I generally meet in NYC.  After a great first date, things continued to go well.  He made plans with me in advance, would text me just to say hi and would say sweet things like "you're adorable, just wanted to let you know."  I was smitten.

We went on a few more good dates and then I noticed that he wasn't texting me as often.  After a shouting match good-natured debate with my co-worker/friend, I agreed to text him asking "when I am going to see you again?"  (I believe that in the beginning, if a man wants to see you, he will.  And, that no amount of contacting him will make him want to see you if that feeling isn't there already).  He replied saying that his company's holiday party was the following night and asked if I would like to come along.  You bet I did!  Except, now I was a little weary of his intentions. 

The next evening I rushed home after work, showered, got all dressed up, did my make up and met him downstairs where he was waiting to pick me up.  We went to the party and it was little weird at first considering I had only been out with him a few times.  But, a few glasses of wine later, I was having a ball. 

We danced and laughed and ate (I tried to control myself and not eat like I normally do, which is like food is going out of style) was an awesome night.  At the end of it, we didn't want to go home, but it was too late to go out (I don't stop acting like a grandma for anyone), I said he could come over as long as he didn't have any expectations.  He came back, I stuck to my word and the next morning, after I was done getting ready for work, we walked to Starbucks our coffee and then got on the subway.  We were discussing New Year's and he said he didn't know whether he wanted to stay in Maine (he was going home for Christmas in about a week) or come back to the city.  He said he preferred to stay in the city, but it didn't sound like he had any plans to come back for.  So, I stupidly invited him to my New Year's party that I was going to have at my apartment.  He seemed surprised in a nice way and said he would let me know.

The following week he left for Maine and I never saw him again.  While he was there he texted me saying "Merry Christmas," but that was really it.  He never got back to me about New Year's and I slowly got over him. 

He did reappear though.  But, that's in Part III.

The Greek Guy

The Greek guy is someone I met last September. 

After our first date, I thought he was cute and fun, so I decided to go out with him a second time.  That's when I found out he was slightly crazy.  It turns out one of his favorite pasttimes was doing coke.  So much so, that he had a supply readily available in his apartment.  I explained to him that I've never done drugs and that as a lawyer, I could not take any chances being around that stuff.  He said he understood.

I was hopeful that because he grew up in Greece, maybe he was a nice family man with good values.  So much for that.  But, wondering if I reacted too quickly and thinking "well, maybe I should give him another chance...maybe there's more to him than just drugs...maybe, maybe, maybe" I went out with him one night the following week. We had a good chat over dinner, but I realized that he definitely was not for me.  That of course did not stop me from calling him one Friday night while I had been out and drinking with a girlfriend.  I went over his place and we hooked up.  The next morning while we were eating our bagels, he asked me where "this" was going.  Mouth full bagel and cream cheese, I looked at him and thought "oh crap."

I said that I didn't really see a future, mainly because he said he wasn't ready to stop doing coke, because he "just likes to party sometimes."  That's just not for me.  He then told me that there was a "certain masculinity to my femininity" and I said "did you just call me a dude?" 

That bothered me because clearly this man thought that because I wasn't into him, I was obviously just a dude playing the field and didn't want a relationship with anyone.  Can you imagine if the roles were reversed and after the fourth date I asked the man "where is this going?"  He would've freaked out and ran the other way. 

The following week Hurricane Sandy hit and he lived in lower Manhattan, which was essentially destroyed by the storm.  I offered for him to stay at my place during the first day of the storm.  I explained to him that it would not just be me and him...that my roommate and my friend were also going to come over.  My brother and his girlfriend came by too.  He came over, well aware that I wasn't planning some romantic night of hunkering down together. 

The entire night, his presence annoyed me to no end.  Around 11 pm I said I was tired and wanted to go to sleep.  That was when he started with his hissy fit...asking what was wrong with me and just being a plain old dick.  Then finally he goes "Do you want me to leave??" Truly perplexed why he was acting like such a child, I turned around and told him he was being very ridiculous and whether he wanted to stay or go was up to him.  He left the following morning in a weird mood and told me to take care.  I thought that was the end of it.

About a month later, he texted me asking if I was interested in having a booty call.  Obviously. 
I said no and wished him well.  What I really wanted to say was "What?!?!"

About a month after that he texted me again asking if I was now up for a booty call.  Again, I said no and that I had just started seeing someone.  I thought that would make it clear to him to leave me alone.

Last week, I got another text message from him saying that he had a dream about me and wanted to take me out.  I said no thank you and that this would not work.  He didn't reply.  Hopefully I'm in the clear for at least another two to three months. 

The Frugal Gourmet

After another long hiatus, i'm back.  Things in the dating world were good for a while and now they're bad again.  I'm hoping if I write about them, they'll be less bad.

Going back to last summer with the man I like to call the Frugal Gourmet:

I started seeing him in May and I wasn't so into him at first.  But, I went out with him a second time and then a third time and I began to enjoy his company.  It also didn't hurt that he was really cute. Things were pretty good - he planned dates, asked me out in advance, paid at the end of the date.  But, then by the third month, I noticed that he was super cheap.  And, not so much a gentlman.

He continued to ask me out to dinner and drinks and then when the bill would come, he would indirectly try to get me to pay for half.  My thoughts on paying are as follows:  I believe the man should pay on a date.  Once a relationship is established, I have no problem offering to split bills, or taking my boyfriend out once in a while, or cooking dinner for us at home.  But, during the courting phase, the man pays.  Period.

What I didn't understand was why he'd suggest going to nice places if he knew he didn't want to pay for it.  One time he took me to his favorite seafood place for dinner; he got the lobster and I got the shrimp tacos.  Then when the bill came, he wanted me to pay for half....but, there was no way I was paying for his lobster dinner.  I asked him if he was serious and then he played it off like he was just kidding.  Please.  I would've been perfectly content staying in, getting a bottle of wine and watching a movie.  But, he wanted to go to this restaurant.  You are the man, I am your date, you have made no committment to me. I am not here to finance your lobster dinner so that tomorrow night you can afford to take out the next girl. 

After that he asked me if I wanted to grab a drink at a lounge that just opened by his apartment.  I don't know why I continued on this date, but I did.  We went, he ordered his drink and I ordered a glass of wine.  Then the bartender gave us the bill and I knew he was waiting for me to pay for my own drink.  Annoyed, I reached into my wallet and gave him $10.  I looked around the bar - it was packed with couples on dates...I didn't see any other woman giving her date money to cover her glass of wine. 

With the mood completely killed, I was eager to get out of there.  I had already packed my bag to stay over his place (we had been doing this almost every weekend for the previous three months) bag was super heavy and I didn't feel like trekking back up to my apartment...I just wanted to go to sleep as it had been a long week.  Further annoyed that he not once had offered to carry my bag (despite all my comments about how heavy it was), I said "can you please just see how heavy this bag is that I've been carrying all night."  He took the bag from me and replied "Oh wow! That is heavy!"  Then he gave the bag back to me.

The next day he didn't even give me a kiss goodbye when I left his place.  When I got home I sent him a text message saying that this was not going to work for me.  He never responded.