Last night I went on a date with a guy for who I had high hopes. Turns out he was half hipster half lumberjack. And a tiny one at that. I feel compelled to write about this experience.
I've been back on the dating service site for about a month and a half now and I met Mr. Lumberjack on said site. We exchanged a few emails and I liked him because he seemed witty and funny. He chose a wine bar for us to meet at - he was considerate - he chose something that was convenient for me even though he worked all the way downtown and lived in Brooklyn. I was already at the bar when he got there and my first impression was "omg, is this tiny guy with a head and face full of hair, really my date?" He might as well have been wearing a red and black flannel and carrying an ax. When I got over my initial shock, I told him that the bar was really crowded and suggested we go to another one around the corner. As we were walking there, I couldn't help but notice that in my heels, I was taller than him. I'm 5'0" on a good day and about 5'4" in my heels. So, I'm guessing maybe he was 5'2"? Awful.
We got to the other bar, which was also really crowded. There are ten million places to go to in New York City, yet sometimes it's impossible to actually go out. I dragged us to the other side of the bar because I was carrying two bags as I had just come from work. At the other end, a nice couple informed us that they were getting up soon. So, I made us hover over them until they got up and then I pounced on the seats. Mr. LJ stood by while I secured seating for us.
We sat down and ordered drinks. Just so you have an idea of our seating set up, I was sitting at the very end between my date and a velvet rope that sectioned off a small changing station for the waiters and bartenders. Mr. LJ had no concept of personal space, so by the end of night I almost fell over the velvet rope trying to move over and away from him.
We chatted over our first drink, mainly about our days and what we did at work. He told me that he used to work at an investment bank and now he works for a credit card company designing phone apps, or something like that. I honestly couldn't understand anything he was saying. After we finished our first drink, I wanted to leave, but my date wanted to have another. He pulled out the drink menu and declared that he was going to have a beer this time. He politely asked me what I wanted and I stated that I had to get up early for work in the morning and had some work to do when I got home (all lies). I was hoping he'd get the hint and suggest we part ways. But, nope - instead he said "well, I'm going to get another." Not wanting to sit there sober, I ordered a second drink as well.
I asked him some more questions about what he did at work, because I didn't really know what else to talk about with him. He then pulled out his phone and began to show me all kinds of apps and websites about which I knew nothing. He summed up his profession by saying he used to enjoy "capital markets," but now he enjoys "innovation" and "innovating things." Right, I thought to mysel...who doesn't like to innovate things? He then offered up some career advice - that I leave my current field of law to pursue employment in digital law, as that is "where it is all at now." I have no idea what digital law is. But, I didn't ask, because I didn't want to look at any more apps and websites.
He further spoke of indie concerts in Brooklyn in which I had no interest. When I told him that I had not heard of a specific DJ, he looked at me like I had 3 heards or a huge lumberjack beard. He also spoke of his love for winter sports. When he asked if I liked to snowboard, I said no, because I prefer to go away somewhere warm if I have the opportunity to get away. He snapped back at me "well, you obviously dress warmly when you're doing it." I said, "right, or I could just go somewhere warm and be warm period." The conversations may have gone more smoothly had he not cursed every other second or interrupted himself to crack up at his own "jokes."
The real unpleasant part of the evening consisted of his constantly touching me. I thought it was pretty cold in the bar and at one point I actually began to shiver. I told him that I was cold and he then decided it was appropriate to put his hands on top of mine which were on my lap. He replied "really, you don't feel cold." I literally cringed and backed away. As politely as possible of course. Throughout the rest of the night, he kept putting his hands on my shoulder, on my back and on my hands again for some reason. By this point, I was fuming! Why on earth would you continuously touch someone who is so clearly not enoying it?!? I got up to go to the bathroom and again nearly fell over the velvet rope. When I got back, thankfully he had already obtained the bill and paid. I thanked him for the drinks and began to put my coat on. He followed my lead and we walked outside. I had this erie feeling he was going to try to kiss me. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about making eye contact with him because standing in front of him, I could see right over his head. I gave him a hug and said it was nice to meet him. Then I walked away towards the wrong direction and jumped in a cab to go home.
I can appreciate that it's hard for some guys to take girls out and try to impress them. But, incessant touching and boring/vulgar conversation will not help the cause. Oh, and don't say you're 5'7" when you're really 5'2", 5'3" tops. Girls will notice. And, please no lumberjack beards.